Swear Conditioning/transcript


 * Hunter: Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. Bedtime! [scene cuts to Erma in the living room crying and sniffling]
 * Erma: Bedtime. [sniffles] The saddest time of the day! [gets her stuff ready for bed still crying] Good night, dad.
 * Hunter: Hold on there, Erma! [Erma walks to him] Take that pile of filth out with you. [Bert holds up a trash bag]
 * Erma: [gasps] Dad, you shouldn't talk about Bert like that!
 * Bert: He means this filth, you loon. [He drops the bag on the floor]
 * [Erma goes to the dumpster while bringing the trash bag]
 * Erma: ♪Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash.♪ [throws the trash in the dumpster and then looks at some writings on the dumpster] Hmm...dumpster writing! The voice of the people! "Up with lightning, down with air!" [laughs] "Super-Apes are people too!" [laughs] Ha, those Super-Apes... Here's one someone didn't finish! Bert smells. [writes the word "good" after "smells"] Good. [laughs] Hmm, what's this one? Robin is a... hmm? Robin is a [hippo trumpet].
 * Garbage Man: [clearly disgusted] Do you kiss your father with that mouth?
 * Erma: Well, sometimes, but not... Recently.
 * Jessica: Hi, garbage man. Hi, Erma.
 * Erma: Hi, Jessica! Hey, Jessica, do you know what this word means?
 * Jessica: "Robin..." Uh, isn't that the mother of you and Bert?
 * Erma: [pointing to "Robin," then the unseen word as they are said] Nah-uh, not that word, that word.
 * Jessica: Hmm... [hippo trumpet]! Oh, hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
 * Erma: Sentence enhancers?
 * Jessica: You use them when you want to talk fancy. You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and Wham-o! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sub!
 * Erma: Oh, I get it! Let me try. [clears her throat] Hello, Jessica. Lovely [hippo trumpet] day we're having, isn't it?
 * Jessica: Why, yes it is, Erma. This [hippo trumpet] day is particularly [hippo trumpet] lovely!
 * Erma: How [hippo trumpet] right you are, Jessica! [The two say the word a couple of times] Ooh, You're right, Jessica, my lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
 * Jessica: Oh, mine too!
 * [both laugh]
 * Jessica: It tingles when I laugh!
 * [The Erma and the Far-Fetchers intro plays. Erma walks into the cafetria of Jenkins High School the next day]
 * Erma: Hello, students, nice [hippo trumpet] day we're having, uh? [The customers stare in shock]
 * Student #1: [gasps] Did she just say?!
 * Student #2: She did.
 * Erma: Hey, Jessica, how the [hippo trumpet] are ya?
 * Jessica: [sitting at table at the cafeteria] Pretty [hippo trumpet] good, Erma.
 * Student #3: I thought this was a high school, not a gutter mouth convention.
 * Erma: [taps on the microphone and speaks into it] Attention, students and teachers, there's no lunch today due to the early dismissal, but Monday's special will be a [hippo trumpet] chicken patty served in a greasy [hippo trumpet] sauce and fried to [hippo trumpet] perfection. [a math teacher covers her ears] And don't forget to ask us to [hippo trumpet] the [hippo trumpet] fries. It will be our [hippo trumpet] pleasure. [Bert hears the intercom] Hi Bert, how the [hippo trumpet] are ya?
 * Jessica: Nice [hippo trumpet] day we're having, isn't it Bert?
 * English teacher: I don't understand. That girl's talented, she doesn't have to work blue.
 * Gym teacher: Let's go somewhere more family oriented. [Everyone leaves Jenkins High School, grumbling in frustration]
 * Female science teacher: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] I'm never eating here again.
 * Male science teacher: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] Those foul-mouth girls.
 * Principal Moon: Huh? Ah! Jenkins High School, she's empty! [runs to cafeteria] Bert, where have all my students and teachers gone?
 * Bert: Apparently, the two Venom-mouth sisters just learned a new word, and Erma just said it over the intercom.
 * Principal Moon: Well, what was it? What'd she say?
 * Bert: Er...she said...um, well she said...
 * [Bert whispers]
 * Principal Moon: Huh? [Bert whispers it again. Principal Moon gasps] Erma and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint Jenkins High School for using such language!
 * Erma: But Principal Moon, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
 * Jessica: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
 * Principal Moon: There ain't nothing fancy about that word!
 * Erma: You mean [hippo trumpet]?
 * Principal Moon: Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a bad word!
 * Erma and Jessica: Bad word?! [both start wiping their tongues]
 * Principal Moon: Yes sirree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
 * Bert: Don't you mean there are only 7?
 * Principal Moon: Not if you're a dragon. [laughs]
 * Erma: Wow, 13.
 * Jessica: That's a lot of [hippo trumpet] bad words.
 * Principal Moon: OK, girls. I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
 * Erma and Jessica: We promise.
 * [later at Jessica's house, Erma and Jessica are playing Candyville]
 * Erma: Gee, I'm glad Principal Moon told us that word we were using was a bad word!
 * Jessica: Yeah, me too, because classy sophisticates like us shouldn't stain our lips with cursing.
 * Erma: Yea, verily. Now, let's play a nice, wholesome game of Candyville.
 * Jessica: Oh, boy, my favorite!
 * Erma: Come on, Bert needs a new pair of shoes! [picks a one purple card]
 * Jessica: Oh, one purple. Too bad, Erma, you gotta go to a purple space.
 * Erma: Darn. [moves game piece to a purple space]
 * Jessica: My turn! [picks a two red card] Hooray! Two red spaces! Yay!
 * Erma: Come on, two spaces, two spaces, two spaces! [picks a one green card and sighs] One space again.
 * Jessica: My turn! [picks a two orange card] Two orange spaces!
 * Erma: Two spaces, two spaces, two spaces! [picks a one yellow card] One space?
 * Jessica: [picks a two indigo space] Two In-dee-gos! [moves to two indigo spaces] Well, this is your last chance, Erma, or if you get one color space again, you lose!
 * Erma: [gets frustrated while trying to pick a card] Two spaces, two spaces, two spaces!! [picks a one blue card]
 * Jessica: One space...
 * Erma: Ah, [hippo trumpet]! [covers her mouth when she realizes her mistake]
 * Jessica: Ooooh...! You said number 11!
 * Erma: [babbles for Jessica to understand] I didn't mean... you gotta understand, Jessica, I was trying...what I meant to say was...some things just slip out. You gotta understand!
 * Jessica: Don't worry Erma, I understand. [pause] Now I'm gonna tell Principal Moon on you for saying "[hippo trumpet]"! [covers her mouth as she realizes her mistake]
 * Erma: Aha! Now I'm gonna tell Principal Moon on you!
 * Jessica: Not if I tell first! Principal Moon! [runs out the door to Jenkins High School] Principal Moon! Principal Moon! Principal Moon!
 * [cut to Jenkins High School]
 * Principal Moon: What, what, what?
 * Erma: Jessica, Jessica, Jessica!
 * Principal Moon: Yes, yes, yes?
 * Erma: She said, she said, she said!
 * Principal Moon: Out with it, girl!
 * Erma: [talking fast] Me and Jessica were playing Candyville, and Jessica picked two colored spaces, and I had to use only one and then we ran and Jessica, she said some things.
 * Principal Moon: [eyes Erma] What kind of things?
 * Erma: Well, she said...
 * Principal Moon: Yes?!
 * Erma: Well, uh, let's just say she said a certain word that you said we shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in the 13 words you said shouldn't be said.
 * Principal Moon: Uh... Right, now what was that part about the, um... Who now?
 * Jessica: [walks in door of the Jenkins High School and eats an ice cream cone but throws away the cone] Principal Moon, Principal Moon, Principal Moon! [Principal Moon sighs]
 * Erma and Jessica: She said that word that you said we shouldn't say...!
 * Erma: ...number thirteen...
 * [They babble on about the word, as Principal Moon stares on disapprovingly, until the two are just pointing at each other and yelling, "Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!" Principal Moon eventually covers their mouths to quiet them.]
 * Erma and Jessica: Mmm-mmm...!
 * Principal Moon: Now I'm gonna let go of yer mouths, and when I do, I want you to calmly tell me what youse need to tell me, understand?
 * Erma and Jessica: Mmm-hmm... [Principal Moon lets go of their mouths; they both point at each other again] She said "[hippo trumpet]"!
 * Principal Moon: [gasps] Do my ears deceive me?! You two should be ashamed! Erma N'Justice, I hereby sentence you and your friend [lights dim on Principal Moon] to detention!
 * Erma: Detention!?
 * Principal Moon: May Thor have mercy on your souls. [Principal Moon turns off the flashlight he was holding. Scene cuts to classroom where Erma is sitting at the front and Jessica is sitting at the back] You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never, and I mean, never use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now the both of youse wait right here. I'll be back. [walks out of detention]
 * Jessica: What's going to happen to us?
 * Erma: We'll probably get 40 lashes!
 * Jessica: Oh, no!
 * Erma: I'm sorry, Jessica. Principal Moon was right. There's no need for words like that.
 * Jessica: I'm sorry too, Erma.
 * Erma: Let's make a vow, Jessica. From this day forth a foul word shall never pass our lips! We'll be good citizens, just like good ol' Principal Moon.
 * Jessica: [shakes hands with Erma] Agreed!
 * Principal Moon: All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for FOULING the air in high school with your foul words, you're going to fill the board with every sentence that says "I will not swear in school". [jams his foot on a mousetrap then hops on one leg] Ow, Ooh! Ow! My [hippo trumpets] foot! What [hippo trumpets] genius puts a [hippo trumpets] mousetrap in a [hippo trumpets] path?! Can't you see I got a [cow moo] foot here?! Oh! [elephant trumpet. Continues saying a bunch of swear words, censored out by monkeys, church bells, truck horns, etc.; at this moment, Erma and Jessica count the swear words he uses]
 * Erma: Five, six, seven...
 * Principal Moon: ...a whole lotta [train whistle] and with a side of [hippo trumpet], a heapin' helpin' of [truck horn] and a boatload of [goose honk] ...
 * Jessica: Nine...
 * Principal Moon: [elephant trumpet, monkey, and a donkey]! [cries in pain]
 * Erma: That's all 13, Jessica!! [gasps] We're gonna call the police, Principal Moon!
 * Principal Moon: [worried] No, please, not the cops! [Erma and Jessica laugh as they run to Jessica's phone, Principal Moon runs after them] Wait, please don't call the police! I don't think their heart can take it!
 * [They go to Jessica's phone, dial 911, puts the phone on speaker]
 * Cop: 911. What's your emergency?
 * [Erma, Jessica and Principal Moon all explain the situation at the same time, swearing numerous times as they do so!]
 * Erma: Cops, he said [hippo trumpet] and then he said [hippo trumpets] again and said [hippo trumpets] and then he screamed at the top of his voice [goose honks]! And he—[train whistles]—cops, he didn't care! Such a stream of [monkey screeches, goose, church bell] I have never heard in my days!